


One Shot Collection

by earsXfeet6669



Category: Voyná i mir | War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
Genre: Gen, Ishpolit is only a side ship sorry, i hope you guys enjoy <3, this should be a collection of romantic oneshots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:40:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29065227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earsXfeet6669/pseuds/earsXfeet6669
Summary: To be updated
Relationships: Ishmael (Moby Dick)/Ippolit Vasilyevich Kuragin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	1. Anatole’s Surprise

**Author's Note:**

> This story holds a special place in my heart

Maria arrived at the Kuragin household, more sure of her intent than she had ever been. She made sure her sword was sufficiently concealed behind her back and let herself in through the back door, using the key she had pilfered from that sailor at the museum she worked at.  
She found Anatole near the largest mirror in the house, touching up his hair.  
“Prepare to die,” she said  
“Oh no,” Anatole replied. Please don’t kill me.”  
But it was too late. Maria had already run him through with her sword.

Fin


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There will probably be a better version of this, not as a oneshot

Three Months Earlier

The fire was lit and the room was warm and bright, but the current occupants of the Kuragin household sat in stony silence. Hélène and Anatole reclined at opposite ends of the long sofa, Hélène looking accusatorily at her father while Anatole ran his fingers through his own hair. Dolokhov sat between them, idly watching Ippolit and Ishmael on the seat across the room and wondering which of the other Kuragin siblings he was there for this time.   
Vasily looked around the door, then pushed a rather confused looking stout young man into the room.   
‘You remember Pierre, don’t you Hélène? He’s such a lovely young man, such a wonderful potential addition to the family.’  
Vasily visibly recoiled at the look she gave him and left quickly, muttering something about how he ‘mustn’t keep Nikolay waiting for their date’.

Pierre looked around awkwardly.   
‘Hello,’ he said, ‘I’m Pierre,’  
‘Hello!’ replied Ippolit, ‘I’m Ippolit!’  
‘I care for you deeply Ippolit,’ said Ishmael, ‘but please learn to read the tone of the room.’

A few more minutes passed, in which Pierre, without moving from his place by the door, managed to put himself in everyone’s way. Dolokhov briefly suggested leaving to Hélène, but neither was sure if the awkwardness of leaving would be bearable. 

Ippolit, to ease the tension, directed Pierre to his cd collection. ‘Some music would be perfect to make sure we’re all friends. What about ABBA? Everyone loves ABBA.’ He took a black and gold cd from its case, put it in the cd player and immediately skipped to the end of the tracklist.

‘What are you doing?’ asked his boyfriend, starting up  
‘Oh it’s simple. This way I know the ending before it even begins.’  
‘That’s not how music works.’  
‘Oh. Isn’t it?’ Ippolit didn’t think he’d remember that but he tried all the same.

‘My My,’ sang the disk. ‘At Waterloo Napoleon did surrender.’

At this the young man by the door finally looked up.  
‘Napoleon?’ he asked  
‘I think it’s a kind of pokémon,’ replied Ippolit. ‘Don’t worry. I didn’t know that either the first time I listened to it.’  
‘No,’ he said as his eyes darkened. ‘I know all about Napoleon. He is the antichrist!’  
Hélène looked at Dolokhov with disdain, and he responded with a sarcastic raise of an eyebrow.   
‘Couldn’t escape if I wanted to’  
‘I have calculated the number of the beast!’ roared Pierre above the music, ‘and I will kill him someday!’

Ishmael touched his boyfriend’s arm.   
‘Perhaps we should put on another song?’  
‘Oh yes! I heard one you would like only the other day! It’s about a whale, and you know all about whales and ghosts and cannibal ghost whales,’ he said solemnly.

This time Ippolit didn’t skip all the way to the end, but stopped at the penultimate song.  
‘We are two mariners  
Our ships' sole survivors  
In this belly of a whale,’ sang a man’s voice and Ishmael tensed.   
‘You can’t live in whales,’ he said, ‘their throats are too small. They don’t even care about you, whales. You’re nothing to a great sperm whale.’  
‘I’m sorry,’ said Hélène, ‘I think you’ve lost me.’  
‘Oh,’ said Ishmael, ‘we’re talking about fish. I am full of interesting facts about whales and fish. Did you know that we can rename a certain porpoise…’  
Ishmael talked throughout the eight and a half minutes of the song which Dolokhov, who had heard the whole thing, thought may have been wise. 

‘I don’t think I can take much more of this. Perhaps only one more song and then we’ll all retire.’  
Disappointment and relief showed in equal measure around the room, while Ippolit smiled. ‘I’ll choose a random song from the collection to be the last’

‘There lived a certain man in Russia long ago  
He was big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow’

‘Wow,’ thought Hélène. ‘I hope these lyrics don’t turn out to be relevant.’

‘Hey,’ came a voice from behind the sofa as the chorus started, ‘Did you know that Rasputin was not really a cat?’  
‘Who are you?’ asked Anatole  
‘Oh I know her,’ said Ishmael, ‘she works at a museum. I think she stole Ippolit’s key for some reason and is just checking that it works.’  
‘I have done some illegal things in my time,’ said Anatole, ‘that seems okay.’

‘No it isn’t!’ yelled Leo Tolstoy, ‘she wasn’t in the book at all!’  
The person behind the sofa promptly disappeared.   
‘Oh great,’ said Dolokhov, ‘my ex is here.’  
‘What’s more, there are no cd players in Nineteenth Century Russia!’  
The music stopped abruptly  
‘I was enjoying that,’ said Ippolit  
Ishmael tried to hide behind him. ‘I’m going to leave before he notices me.’

‘Hey,’ said Dolokhov, ‘surely you’re not meant to be here either, as the author.’  
‘Oh dear I hadn’t thought of that,’ said Tolstoy, before vanishing from the room.   
‘Well, I should probably visit my mother,’ he continued, ‘this was an experience.’

The three Kuragin siblings sat in the room in silence.   
‘That was fun,’ said Ippolit.  
‘No it wasn’t,’ said Hélène.


End file.
